Shortly after we were married, my husband took a job as Youth Pastor at a nearby church. We loved working with the youth and being involved in this new church. It was great. I played the piano, tried to help the pastor’s wife where I could, and we helped work in the church’s food pantry.
One day the pastor took my husband and I out to eat. During that meal, he turned to me and said, “Melody, you are a dominant wife.”
I was shocked. I wasn’t just offended. I was furious! How DARE he!!!
I was the church pianist, and I was good at it too (thank you very much).
I sewed my own clothes.
I was a good cook.
I was talented, I was a stay at home wife, I had a thriving piano studio, I was the model housewife. Or so I thought.
Here’s the thing. My pastor was right.
As mad as it made me, that statement has stuck with me some 20-something years later. I WAS a dominant wife. I wasn’t just a dominant wife, I was a dominant woman.
That pastor and I butted heads a lot. Oh, I tried not to assert authority that wasn’t mine, but he saw personality traits in me that I didn’t see for myself.
I wanted to do things MY way. Honestly – I still do (a lot, actually). Don’t we all?
It’s not that the things I wanted to do were bad. They weren’t. I just didn’t let others in authority lead where God had placed them.
For example, websites. I even built websites. I actually wanted to help with the church’s website, but he wouldn’t let me – he had his son in law do it instead. I determined that if he wouldn’t let me do the church website, I’d create my own site, as gorgeous and complex as I could possibly make it. At the time we were in the process of adoption, so I already had my own website anyway. This was when blogs were just starting to become popular, and I was using mine to keep our out of state family updated on our adoption process.
Anyone see a problem yet?
Now, the web knowledge has come in handy many times over the years. I used it to build our company’s websites that were our family’s main source of income for years. I used it to build the website for our church here. I even worked as a web designer for a short time. All of that knowledge was great, but what led me to learn it was not. It was me being a dominant wife, but we also know that as something else.
Rebellion.
According to Webster’s dictionary, the definition of rebellion is: opposition to one in authority or dominance
I wasn’t outwardly rebellious, and I didn’t even see it as rebellion until many years later. Yet, that’s exactly what it was. It was a hidden sin in my heart that I petted and took care of.
A lot of times we think of rebellion as being a teenage issue. It’s not just for teens – we older ladies can be rebellious too. Any time we are in opposition to authority, that’s rebellion.
Another part of that dominant woman spirit was pride. I was good at everything I tried. Except sports. You can forget that. But I was good at it. That went to my head, too. It led me to be overly prideful of all the things I did that I just knew were “so excellent.”
Eventually God led us to another church where my husband would teach in the Christian school. He became the song leader there and I became the main pianist. I loved our new pastor and his wife. Except I butted heads with her too.
“She just has a strong personality.” You know what? She does. But that wasn’t the problem.
The problem was me.
We were there, serving, about a year, before God opened both of our eyes and showed my husband and I that we were both lost. He got saved in March of 2004 and I got saved in July of that same year. As I grew in Christ, God began to show me these areas in my life that so desperately needed work.
One of those huge areas was being a dominant woman.
It wasn’t having an assertive personality. Isn’t that just like us to give it a “nice” name?
It wasn’t being good at all those things, even though the things themselves were good.
It was the spirit of rebellion and pride that led me to push past my rightful place, to make sure I got my way, did the things I wanted, because I knew they’d be done right (AKA MY way).
The thing is – while it was both rebellion and pride – I didn’t recognize it as those two things.
So today, my question to you is this: Are you a dominant woman? Do you have the spirit of rebellion in your life?
There are two types of dominant or rebellious women
Loud, outwardly dominant brash, loud, outspoken
Loud, brassy woman, she’s the one we’d all call a dominant woman
Quiet and inward rebellion.
This woman looks sweet on the outside but she rules her home with the same hand as the louder woman.
She might have her church members fooled, maybe anyway, if they don’t know her that well. This is the woman that looks so sweet all the time, until you cross her.
When our husband wants to do one thing, and we make it PLAIN that was NOT our plan. He wanted to go THERE and we wanted to stay home. Or he wanted to stay home and we wanted to go out. Yet because we are a “good, Godly woman”, we submitted and went, but made everyone miserable the whole time.
Ouch.
Yes, you went along with our husband’s wishes, but were you submissive? Did you go with a sweet, quiet spirit? Or did you complain, and roll your eyes, and huff? Or was your contention the kind that makes everyone in the room hold their breath and just back away from you?
“If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”
Right?
Is this the type of dominant woman we are? It’s just quiet and hidden rebellion. Until it comes out and shows.
Kind of sounds like hypocrisy, doesn’t it?
How does the Bible describe this kind of woman?
Clamorous
Prov. 9:13 – A foolish woman is clamorous: she is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Without discretion
Prov. 11:22 As a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.
Contentious – means brawling
Prov. 21:19 – It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.
Shameful
Prov. 12:4 A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.
A continual dropping
Prov. 27:15. A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.
Tearing her house down
Prov. 14:1 Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.
-not just the physical home-
What about with her words?
Do her words tear down her husband or children?
Prov. 12:25 – Heaviness in the heart of man maketh it stoop: but a good word maketh it glad.
Do the words we use in our home, with our families, cause heaviness of heart, or do they make our loved ones glad?
Proverbs 10:19 In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.
Proverbs 15:23 A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it!
What is the opposite of a dominant woman?
Submission
Submit means to subordinate; to obey, be under obedience. One commentary mentioned it is to submit to one’s control.
We really don’t like someone or something else controlling us, do we?
We want OUR way. We want things done the way WE want…..and we don’t want to submit to others and do things their way…….yet that is what that word means.
To God
1 Peter 5:5-6 – Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.
Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time:
James 4:7a Submit yourselves therefore to God.
To our husband
1 Peter 3:1 – Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
Ephesians 5:22 – Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Colossians 3:18 – Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
Proverbs 31 gives a lot of instruction of how we are to act.
Proverbs 31:10-12 – Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
Verses 10-12 speak of the ideal woman’s behavior toward her husband. She had such amazing character that the Bible says her price was far above rubies.
According to the American Gem Society, “Rubies are one of the rarest gemstones. Good quality rubies larger than one carat are also extremely rare—and expensive.” A one carat gemstone is a little larger than a pencil eraser.
God tells us here that the ideal woman has a Godly character that is valued far above precious gemstones.
This passage also tells us that the virtuous woman’s husband can safely trust in her, because she will do him good all the days of her life.
Proverbs 12:4a A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.
Can that be said of us? Is our behavior that ideal, that becoming, that GOOD, that it can be said of us that we’re worth more than a rare gem? Can our character be trusted?
Or are we like rottenness in our husband’s bones?
For those who aren’t married, are you a crown to your family, or is your behavior rotten to all those you live with?
1 Peter 3:3-4 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
Our emphasis isn’t to be on fancy hairstyles or expensive jewelry, or the fanciest of clothes. Our character, that hidden man of the heart, is to be where focus lies. Do you have a meek and quiet spirit?
We are also to be submissive to other authority God has placed in our lives.
Pastor, Boss, Police, etc.
Heb 13:17 Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.
How can l change?
Repent.
-Ask God to help you change
Have a humble spirit
I Peter 5:4 Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time:
Remember God sees our motives in everything we do.
We can be the best baker in town. We can have the most beautifully decorated home. We can sew the most gorgeous dresses, or make the prettiest music anyone around you has ever seen.Gard
But if we don’t do it with a meek and quiet spirit, one that honors God and honors her family…..what good does it do?
If we get up in church and sing, just to make it sound beautiful, we might fool visitors. We might fool those who aren’t paying attention. But if we’re prideful about it, puffed up, arrogant, then it’s worthless.
Matthew 6: 2, 5, 16
In Matthew 6:2, Jesus was giving instruction on how to give alms, or give to the poor.
In verse 5, He is teaching how to pray.
In verse 16 of the same chapter, He is teaching on fasting.
In all three instances, Christ warns against being a hypocrite -doing things just to be seen. He says “They have their reward”
1 Corinthians 3:12-13 Now if any man build upon this foundation gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, stubble; Every man’s work shall be made manifest: for the day shall declare it, because it shall be revealed by fire; and the fire shall try every man’s work of what sort it is.
If our work is just done out of pride, to glorify ourselves, then it’s nothing more than wood, hay, or stubble.
1 Peter 3:4 says: But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
Meek in this verse means to be mild, or humble.
Quiet means still, undisturbed, and peaceable.
Quite the opposite from the dominant woman.
When the world says, “be loud,” the Bible says, “have a quiet spirit.”
Titus 2:5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
Discrete means to have self control
Chaste means innocent, modest, and perfect.
It tells us to be keepers at home. To take care of our homes.
To obey our husbands.
And then it gives a warning that to not do those things would be to blaspheme the word of God.
What are our words like.
Eph 4:29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
Php 4:5 Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.
Moderation here means appropriate, mild, and gentle.
Are our words appropriate, mild, or gentle?
Col 3:12-17 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering;
Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.
And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness.
And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful.
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.
And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.
1 Peter 3:4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. Mild, humble, still, undisturbed, and peaceful.
Which type of woman are you?
A dominant woman, who is:
Clamorous, Without discretion, Contentions-angry, Shameful, a continual dropping, and Tears her house down
Or are you:
Mild, humble, still, undisturbed, and peaceful.
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